Random One-Liners

He was oppressed by metaphor, dislocated by parentheses and debilitated by amplification.

(1747 – 1825) English schoolmaster, writer, minister & Doctor of Law
Communication Insults Speech

I don’t know if it’s good for baseball, but it sure beats the hell out of rooming with Phil Rizzuto!

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Yogi-isms

The English find ill-health not only interesting but respectable and often experience death in the effort to avoid a fuss.

(1908 – 1967) English novelist
England Health People Places

You're never too old to become younger.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Age Old

If it looks easy, it's tough… if it looks tough, it's near impossible.

Characteristics Murphy’s Laws Situations

Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Communication

Elton Takes David Up the Aisle

Headlines Marriage

If you perm your hair twice in opposite directions, does it come out straight?

(1975 – ) English physicist
Appearance Hair Situations

Like stealing cake from a baby

Mixed metaphors

Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by incompetence.

(1769 – 1821) French general & politician
Intelligence Stupidity

Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.

Military Murphy’s Laws

Coffee: Break fluid.

Definitions Food/Drink Wordplay

You want people to think you live in a pig’s eye?

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops TV/Movie Quotes

I think the big guns will come to the boil.

Mixed metaphors

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
People Self

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Animals Dogs Emotions Love

Judge: Mr Smith, you must not direct the jury. What do you suppose I am on the bench for?

Smith: It is not for me, your honour, to attempt to fathom the inscrutable workings of Providence.

(1872 – 1930) British statesman, politician & lawyer
Law Occupations Work

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy.

(1819 – 1880) American oil driller
Science/Weather

Confucius say… alcohol is the cause of some problems and the solution to others.

Confucius say

He would kill his own mother just so that he could use her skin to make a drum to beat his own praises.

(1864 –1945) Anglo-Scottish socialite, author & wit
Characteristics Insults Mothers